Black man, you are on your own

It might seem safe to say I see.. while looking at you with my eyes shut.
It might be safe to say I hear you.. while my hands cover my ears
I might fool you into thinking I acknowledge you..............that its safe to come out.
But its not..

I was there when you were born, cut the umbilical cord and taught you all that you needed to know, removed from you instinct and now.. now when you need me the most I look upon you and all I can do is weep... Black man, you are on your own and freedom, freedom was the lullaby i sang for you to get you to sleep.. to feel safe and to feel like you belonged in my arms...
Black man... you are on your own

THE CALM BEFORE THE STORM

So it was the calm before the fucken storm!..................

I have come to understand that there is a reason why storms hit after a spell of calmness and its simple... momentum.. and the longer it brews the worst the aftermath... so there I was sitting and contemplating what i was actually going to say, would i tell them that in all actuality, I was Pissed off.............or just sit there and smile politely while the world turns on its axis and the moon rotates around it. Having thought about the options, it seems easier to just let the world spin by....

But in reality we all have those moments when you want to strangle a stranger and hope to not get arrested but like seriously... seriously... Are you mad because your in the shadow or are you mad because you have a couple of sentences constructing themselves in your head and you not wanting to verbalise them... Humans of outstanding character take the high road but the rest of us, the rest of us just..............................

YES IT'S MINE..... I BOUGHT IT.

So the age old debate still stands... m shure u guessed it, real hair versus fake hair ... or to be politically correct "artificial, synthetic, 100%natural hair" or whatever else we call it these days.

I have had more than my fair share of weaves and braids (ofcouse, i get high on that stuff! LOL) but on the real... I don't hate my "African coarse hair" but I have a preference and mine is Nina silky smooth hair... does this make me less of a black women? well the self righteous would say hell yes.........but wait.. having what is percieved as fake hair determines what type of african woman you are? Lyk seriously?

Has the definition of being an african women become so shallow that we have resorted to external appreance as a signifier? To say that society has changed would be like saying the sky is blue, we all know it, we all see it and well some of us choose to aknowledge the beauty of the blue and see it everyday in a diffarent light while others always complain abou the clouds...

So fake hair, fake nails, fake tits, fake ass, fake abs, fake nose, hell even fake coloured skin! External appearance has always be a heavy debate.... BUT... I think fake or not, you can always distinquish a person who is fake on the inside which is what realy matters.

I WANT

I want to paint you the colours of my rainbow...
I want to nurture you as if you were a new born child
I want to bask in the nakedness of your soul
I want to love you... as much as i love myself
I want to live in your thoughts and sore in your dreams....
I want to be your freedom in captivity And in your sadness...
I want to be your smile
There are many things that I want to do...
and all of them require you...

Life is not the amount of breaths you take but the moment that takes your breath away.....ryt..whatever"

What about those moments that not only take your breath away but hit you so hard that its hard to breath and any tear that comes out doesnt realy mean anything.What about the breaths you take when you feel that the eath is crumbling under your feet and you dont have a foothold. When the strenght to breath is harder to find than the breath itself?Well point is... life is not a bed of roses or of rocks... and all the moments that take our breath away dont neccesarily leave us breathless in a good way... Here i am, seathing.... breathing as hard as a cronic smoker on a quiting streak... The air has been knocked right out of me and every breath i take now, in all its momentum is to understand the moment.... This is one of those moments where is very lucrative to just breath but the thing is....I DONT WANT TO! this is one of those moments where your breath has been taken away and the moment has passed... so much for hollywood endings nhe... here i am out of breath and i missed the moment...

GIVING HOPE A FIGHTING CHANCE

"I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean..... promise me that you"ll give faith a fighting chance....never settle for a path of least resistance... and when u get the chance to sit it out or dance.....I HOPE U DANCE"

The lyrics from Lee Anne Womack's I hope you dance might sound good as an ensamble but they sound even better when you really listen.. we take alot for granted and maybe thats how humans are ..... something life altering has to happen before you realise that Life is for the living and living it means waking up in the morning and making a decision about your day...
The small things are not important but remembering that big things start out small is very vital in giving "hope a fiting a chance". Not everything big is bad... not everything bad is big... cryptic? not.... read agian......

REMEMBER

Remember that time you told me you were sorry and I said said "No need to apologise, I know you did not mean to hurt me?"
Remember the time, that time when you asked me if i was OK and i said, " yes, everthing is just fine"?

WELL... I LIED..

So driven by the desire to belong was I that I put you before myself
So driven by the need to be loved was I that when love had walked out the door I still stood hoping.
So driven by memories of times gone by was I, that I never saw what we had become because I held on to what was....

Remember the time when I told you this was the last time and you told me you understood?
Remember the time when I told you I could'nt stay and you said Things cant end this way?

So driven was I by the promise of loving you..........untill you loved me too
That when all was said and done...
I spent my days trying not to remember...

The obituary

Funny document that... the one document that you will never see but spend your whole life writting....

A summary of who you were and what you were, where you were born and who gave birth to you... the genesis and revelation of what was inside but also what others failed to see and understand.. your acheivements through somebody elses eyes and seldom your failures.

Understanding that everyday we live our lives writting our obituaries, is not as important as writting the best damn obituary ever written (its about you anyway!).

Live everyday in such a way that a sentence is added to your obituary.. and when others look back the best they can say is wow........... what a life...

Something Profound

"I pray for you...more than I pray for myself..............and when you smile my
world is alright"

I have come to realise that no matter how much you love yourself it is possible to love somebody else more....
I have come to realise that old cliche's about love are not always the deranged ramblings of a psychotic romantic (even though some of them sound toooooooooo off the mark).
I have grown to understand that all that is meant to be, stays constant. Even though the only constant is change.....
I have lived enough to know that what i am and who i am do not always have the greatest of relationships but in times of doubt what and who i am determine who i become.

In an ideal world...

I have learnt that the harsher the sitaution the greater the feeling of victory after a triumph.
The harder the choice, the longer you take to make it, the harsher the concequences
If you think you have worked your harderst, remember that somebody else is working twice as hard.
The greater the dissapointment, the harder it is to forgive and the deeper the wounds left behind...
and in a less than ideal world
You live, breath and exist knowing that only change is constant therefore becoming the person you want to be is a process that you might only complete the day you die...